Salty Language

Dissecting a Modern Glossary

I’ve been thinking about the power of words.

Not long ago, I got into a Twitter exchange with a right-wing acquaintance of mine after he referred to black Texas representative, Jasmine Crockett, as a “hood rat.” I replied, “Hood rat? I didn’t know you were a racist.” This started a back and forth where he defended his language as merely “salty” and called me a “prig” and a “schoolmarm,” asserting that “hood rat” is no worse than calling a white person a “redneck” or “white trash,” which are words in the entirety of this brief schoolyard colloquy I never used.[1]

I remember radio commercials from thirty or more years ago promoting a reading program called “Hooked on Phonics.” I can still hear the echoes of Rush Limbaugh intoning the ad copy, “It’s hard to believe, but people judge you by the words you use.” No shit? That’s not hard to believe at all. Of course people judge you by the words you use. Words are not actions, but they are pretty good bumper stickers for what you believe and therefore how you will act.[2]

In that spirit, I have compiled a compendium of phrases we’ve all been hearing lately and identified the key words that unlock their true meaning.

Critical Race Theory

Key word: critical.

Turns out, racists don’t like to be criticized. It’s easy to forget that racists have feelings, too. Like my Twitter buddy. They are very sensitive people. Especially about being racists. Because as we all have been taught by now: racism is bad. So naturally, this strikes a nerve. Who wants to be a bad person? Not Tucker Carlson. That’s why Tucker Carlson likes Vladimir Putin. Because Putin “[n]ever called me a racist.” Clearly, Putin has never seen his show.

I understand the feeling, though. You never like to be called out for the character flaw you know deep down is true. I have, for instance, on more than one occasion been called “immature.” Whereupon I say, “Oh yeah? Well, you’re a big fat poopy head!”

Even though Critical Race Theory was the study of structural racism in America that was confined to law schools, some claim these radical concepts broke free from those citadels of higher education and infiltrated a number of children’s books. To many of our self-appointed Guardians of the Intellectual Galaxy, children need to be protected from such disturbing ideas. It’s always about the children. It’s never about adults. It’s never about our actions, our fears, our guilt, our prejudices; it’s never about our feeling bad; it’s about the children, all the adorable poopy heads. We need to— in the words of that great anti-gay moral crusader of the ‘70s, Anita Bryant— “Save Our Children.”

One of the great joys of having children: being able to use them as a universal excuse. Before I had kids, whenever I was late for an appointment— because I simply could not get my shit together to leave the house in time— I’d shrug and say, “Traffic, pfft.” It wasn’t the best excuse, but it worked well enough. After I had children, though, all I had to do was shrug and say, “Kids.” I didn’t even need the “pfft.” People would nod knowingly and sympathetically. All was forgiven. Children are the best excuse. Regrettably, now that my kids are grown and out of the house, I have had to go back to saying, “Traffic.”

Oh, how I long for the days when I could blame my children. Why did they have to grow up?

During Ketanji Brown Jackson’s Supreme Court confirmation hearing, Texas Senator Ted Cruz challenged her about the anti-racist themes in some of these children’s books and essentially asked, “Can babies be racist?”

I would have said, “They can be, Ted. But you gotta get to them early. Play ‘em Ted Cruz speeches in the womb.” Then I’d turn to the gallery and say, “Come on, am I right people? Show of hands!”[3]

The Justice-to-be, on the other hand, replied with a restrained and diplomatic… sigh.

This is the same Ted Cruz, who when an historic Arctic freeze hit his home state (knocking out the power, threatening food and water supplies, and causing close to 250 Texans to lose their lives) was caught… jetting to balmy Cancun! When confronted with this obvious cowardice, what did this dedicated public servant Ted Cruz do?

He blamed his kids!

"I was trying to be a dad,” he said. “And all of us have made decisions — when you've got two girls who have been cold for two days and haven't had heat or power, and they're saying 'Hey, look we don't have school why don't we go, let's get out of here.'”

What do you expect him to do, blame traffic?[4]

This is the same Ted Cruz who worries about transgender people “grooming” children to be transgender.

Ted Cruz is an asshole.

Whenever Ted Cruz speaks to children, isn’t he grooming them to be assholes?

That’s the campaign I want to start: Save Our Children from Ted Cruz!

On that same theme…

“I am the least racist person…”

Donald Trump has said on more than one occasion, “I’m the least racist person in this room.” The only way that makes sense is if he’s alone in the room. He once told TV journalist, Don Lemon, “I am the least racist person you have ever met.” That’s true, if Don Lemon has never met anyone else.

Trump has also claimed, “I am the least racist person anywhere in the world.”

Sure…

If he’s the last person on Earth.

I give Trump credit for honesty, though. The key word here is least. He’s not saying, “I’m not a racist.” He’s simply claiming that of all the racists, he is the least racist.

“I am the least racist person in this room” is something Hermann Göring might have said in a meeting with Hitler, Goebbels, and Himmler.

Now… a bit of a palette cleanser from our harsh political reality.

Cordially invited

Key word: cordially.

We have all received invitations where we have been “cordially invited” to some event. Although, you would hope the cordially was implied. Have you ever received a wedding invitation where you’ve been hostilely invited?

Or…

After a bitter argument that led to a lot of crying and door slamming, Mr. and Mrs. Joseph Trinci reluctantly invite you to the wedding of their daughter Maria...

…Okay, coffee break’s over. Back to the neo-fascist assault on language:

Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion

These used to be good words. Now they are bad words. They have been officially purged from use in the Trump Administration along with the words bias, activism, social justice, trauma, prejudice, and climate change, just to name a few.

I feel bad for climate change. That used to be a good term, even among climate deniers. Climate change was the less scary expression Republican pollster Frank Luntz advised the George W. Bush Administration to use instead of global warming. Now even climate change is taboo.[5] It’s the new C-word.

All forms of the word diversity are on the banned list: diversify, diversified, community diversity, increase diversity, increase the diversity, even biodiversity. In grade school, I was taught that biodiversity is a good thing. That’s where I first learned the term hybrid vigor. In farming, biodiversity leads to higher yields, greater stability, and drought tolerance. Now biodiversity can lead to getting your ass fired from the Department of Agriculture.

By a random twenty-two-year-old DOGE Bro.

It appears our government has been taken over by an invasive species of dickweed.

Anyone who has ever raised a dog or is a member of a royal family knows that purebreds have more problems than mutts. Inbreeding: not good. That’s why if anyone ever cordially invites you to “go fuck yourself,” don’t do it. It could lead to hip dysplasia.

Diversity used to mean strength. That’s why in finance, they always advise, “Diversify your portfolio,” and “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.” If one sector crashes, your whole wallet won’t crash along with it.

Now it’s official policy that diversity is weakness. Put all your eggs in one basket.

And make sure all those eggs are white.

I propose that instead of DEI programs, we call them Hybrid Vigor programs. “Here at Disney, we’ve instituted a new Hybrid Vigor policy.” Find something wrong with that, motherfuckers.

Oddly, motherfucker: not on the list of banned words.

Probably because that particular activity most certainly does not promote biodiversity.

Woke

Key word: aware.

Woke started out as a positive word about being aware of social injustice and racial inequality. Some might claim it’s just another word for politically correct. But don’t be fooled. It has now evolved into the latest version of the N-word. In the early eighties infamous Republican operative Lee Atwater gave up the game when he was recorded explaining how in the fifties you could use the N-word freely, but by 1968 that was no longer acceptable. You had to use code phrases like forced busing or states’ rights, because it was more abstract. By the eighties, Atwater was instructing his trickle down Reaganite acolytes to use economic terms like cutting taxes. He said, “A byproduct of (cutting taxes) is (that) blacks get worse off than whites… ‘We want to cut this’ is much more abstract than busing and a hell of a lot more abstract than” the N-word.

Woke originated in black culture but now conveniently encompasses and disposes of LatinX, indigenous people, the disabled, and bipoc, not to mention environmental justice, environmental quality and equal opportunity.

As far as right-wing epithets go, it’s uncharacteristically inclusive and diverse.

January 6^th was mostly a peaceful protest

Key word: mostly.

Mostly is doing a lot of work here. That’s like saying the German blitzkrieg was mostly a peaceful road trip. The Hindenburg? Mostly a pleasant flight.

Do your own research

This phrase has become popular since the pandemic. It is the go-to phrase for the anti-vaxxers. Do your own research is another way of saying, “Scour the World Wide Web until you find somebody who is going to tell you something you want to hear.” That somebody is less concerned about your health and mostly concerned with making a shit ton of money on their YouTube channel.

The key words here are your own. This is all based on the fallacy that since the dawn of the Information Age we have all human knowledge at our fingertips. So step aside experts; I can figure this shit out myself.

This may be true if you’ve lost the instructions to the Ikea cabinet you just brought home. Or want to know how to tie a slip knot.

Or light a fart.

But mostly it is the battle cry of the dilettante:

“I don’t need no stinking government agencies or university medical schools. I can read, understand, and make my own decisions about highly technical biomedical concepts based on my own research. I know how to assess the efficacy of a preliminary, randomized study from an obscure medical journal, especially one that tells me I don’t have to change my behavior or take other people into consideration.”

Healthy foods

A new, proposed FDA rule would mandate that foods labeled “healthy” contain at least one major food group – dairy, fruits, or whole grains – and must be under certain limits on saturated fat, sodium, and added sugars.

Key word: healthy.

The FDA is not saying you can’t label it food if it doesn’t contain dairy, fruit, or whole grains—what most of us would call actual food. They’re just saying if your Fruity Pebbles don’t have a hint of dairy, fruits, or whole grains, you can’t label it healthy.

All the big cereal companies are lobbying against the rule, of course. “You can’t make us put real food in our ‘food’!”

By the way, Fruity. Not on the list of banned words. LGBTQ: banned. Female: banned. How did fruity slip by?

Speaking of which, the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts, now chaired by the President of the United States, has cancelled a tour of the children’s musical FINN. It’s about a rainbow-colored shark whose dream is to sing and dance, while his family demands he join the Shark Guard, a more masculine, military-type activity. Apparently, the show makes no mention of sexuality, but you can’t fool the cultural shark guards now patrolling the Kennedy Center. This is obviously gay. Gay AF! This is Enola-fucking-Gay!

Attention all rainbow trout! We will find you. We will catch you. And we will deport you.

Or send you to El Salvador where they will batter you and fry you in lemon juice.

And we’re going to find Nemo, too. We know Ellen’s in on that one.

All of this language purging makes me wish we could go back in time. Back to the late 1800s. Back when America was great. Back when William McKinley was president. Back to a happier time.

Back to what was known as the “Gay—”… excuse me… the “Heterosexual Christian White Male Nineties.”

---

[1] He also referred to Rep Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez as Crazy Eyes and Rep Jamie Raskin as Rat-faced Raskin. If I really wanted to be a priggish schoolmarm, I could have called him out on those racist-adjacent tropes. Rat-faced plays on the historic depiction of Jews and crazy is just another way to say, “AOC. She loco.”

[2] I don’t believe Rush Limbaugh— a man who made quite a lucrative career stringing a bunch of nonsense words together four hours a day— found that hard to believe.

[3] This is one of the many reasons I could never get my smart-ass confirmed for the Supreme Court.

[4] He also got dinged for leaving behind his dog, the aptly named “Snowflake.”

[5] Climate crisis and climate science also banned. Climate denial? Not banned. Encouraged.