Biding his time in the interregnum between President Donald Trump’s two terms, current FBI Director Kash Patel wrote a trilogy of children’s books featuring himself as the hero, the Great Wizard Kash. The first book was The Plot Against the King, about how the Great Wizard Kash the Distinguished Discoverer (I shit you not) uncovered the Russiagate “plot” conceived by “Hillary Queenton.”
The second, The Plot Against the King 2(000) Mules, was about how the Great Wizard Kash, along with Dinesh and Debbie [D’Souza] the Curious Candlestick Makers, uncovered the plot by the Democrats to steal the election from the rightful King Donald on “Choosing Day” 2020 .
The Plot Against the King 3: The Return of the King is the story of how evil Democrats led by Shifty Jester (Adam Schiff) used the DOJ (the “Dragon of Jalapenos”—you guessed it; it’s fire breathing) to try to jail Donald Trump for inciting an insurrection at the Capitol. Despite these efforts, King Donald, who was just trying to “Keep the kingdom great,” reclaimed his throne.
Nowhere does the Great Wizard Kash explain why a king would be subject to a democratic election.
Anyway...
It is in this spirit I present to you the further adventures of the Great Wizard Kash the Distinguished Discoverer, as he takes control of the FBI to fight the forces of the radical lunatic left in…
The Plot Against the King 4: Kash on Hand
Once upon a time, in the Land of the Free, lived a great wizard named Kash the Distinguished Discoverer. Despite his clunky title, Kash was King Donald’s most loyal servant. As a reward for his heroic work, King Donald dubbed Kash head Knight of the RCT: Rectangular Conference Table.
Many Lords of the Realm questioned the King’s decision. They claimed the Great Wizard Kash was unqualified for this important job (unqualified, means “couldn’t find his ass with four hands and a flashlight”). These were the Dark Lords— the Ds. Luckily, the Regal Lords—the Rs— outnumbered the Ds, and Kash took his rightful place at the head of the RCT.
There was much work to be done to make the RCT better than it had been under the former king, Joe the Sleepy. Sleepy King Joe had dozed through most of his reign and had left the kingdom dirty, dark, and covered in the poo of 2000 mules.
King Donald commanded his loyal servant: “Clean up the poo, Kash!”
Kash replied, “That’s a lot of crap, Your Royal Orangeness. I may need help.”
“Worry not!” said King Donald the Gaseous. “I will give you a magical assistant. Please give a warm round of applause to… Bongino… the Podnificent!” But the crowd did not clap their hands with joy because the Heralds spread the fake news that Bongino the Bald was also not well-suited for a knighthood.
King Donald the Comb-Over said, “I don’t care! He looks good on my picture box! Just like Slick Hegseth the Inebriated and Pirro the Botoxed Fox!”
This was all part of the great king’s plan to make the kingdom once again a meritocracy (meritocracy, from Greek mythology, means “white”).
On Kash’s first day at the RCT, there was much hubbub. One of the King’s advisors, Musky the Efficient, had ordered each of the Knights of the Rectangular Conference Table to name five things they had accomplished that week. This angrified many of the knights (angrified, means “pissed off”), and Kash quickly stepped in to calm their hubbubbing.
He told the knights that they did not have to listen to Musky the TechNerd (TechNerd, means “asshole”), which made the knights cheer. “Hooray for Kash! Our Fearless Leader!”
With his Knights now firmly behind him, Kash set to work fulfilling the first royal decree of King Donald the Human McNugget.
He freed the Knights and all the land from the horrific hazard of paper straws.
“Huzzah!” rejoiced the Knights once again. “We will no longer choke when we sucketh our straw to shreds drinking our bubbly waters of sugar!”
By the time the Great Wizard Kash accepted his royal assignment, a terrible plague had coursed through the RCT. This disease had transformed many loyal defenders of the Land of the Free into sinister vandals of the law (sinister means “the left”).
These Knights were infected by the fiery virus spewed forth by Woke the Magic Dragon (woke, means “whatever and whoever King Donald disapproves of, especially if they’re black, brown, a woman, gay, or one of the nine trans collegiate athletes”). The woke virus was a spell cast by the Wicked Witch of the Left that made white people feel guilty and inadequate.
When this Black Plague seeped through the gates of the RCT, it corrupted many knights and compelled them to probe King Donald the Human Felony. It drove others to fall on one knee to join those who worshipped the sinful blackguard, George of Floyd.
The brave Kash banished these tarnished knights so they could no longer spread this dreadful scourge. He then lowered the gates (gates, means “standards”) of the RCT to accept anyone who wished to fight the fire blazing in the disorderly fiefdoms of the Ds, starting with the crunchy Land of Port.
“I will fight fire with ICE!” ruled the high-IQ King. “Kash, lend me your most trustworthy Knights of the Low Standards!”
Meanwhile, many jesters from the Land of Late Night had been saying mean things about King Donald the Thin-Skinned. This pained Kash for it was hurtful to hear so many laugh so hard at his beloved king. The Warped Jesters, Colbert, Meyers, Oliver, Stewart, and the two Jimmys were not paying the glorious king and his worthy heirs the proper respect. They mocked without mercy Prince Eric the Vacant and Prince Donny the Cokehead.
“Why cannot these jesters be more like Gutfeld the Sycophant!” cried the wounded King (sycophant means “not funny”).
Kash could tell how much these cruel words angered the king, for when he spoke of them his face turned from bright tangerine to burnt sienna. So wise King Donald of the Spray Tan decreed that these jesters had no talent and even worse – low ratings.
The sassy jesters replied, “Then we’re just like you King Donald the Butt Hurt! You too have no talent and low ratings!”
Kash did not find any of this amusing and vowed to add to his ever longer list of the King’s Enemies these insolent clowns. (insolent means “funny”).
Inspired by the fiendish jesters, the Dark Lords and their minions called the King and his court many wicked names. They used the “F-word” (fascist) and the “N-word” (Nazi) and the “C-word” (creep) to describe Miller the Mad Child Deporter. They called Vice King Vance the “W-word” (weird). They even called King Donald the “H-word” (Hitler).
“Just because it is true is no reason to say it out loud!” roared Vice King Vance of the Eye-Liner. Everyone knew that King Donald the Insulter in Chief and his Regal Lords would never stoop to dividing the kingdom by calling their opponents mean names.
Alas, the Sinisters cared not that their nasty words stoked violence in the hearts of disturbed young white men who wrote secret messages on their bullet casings. For Kash knew that guns didn’t kill people, only leftists did. Especially those under the diabolical spell of Soros the Sorcerer (sorcerer, means “Jewish”). And any study that says different shall be scrubbed from the royal website.
Even before he was a Knight of the RCT, Kash the Distinguished Discoverer had promised to open the box that contained the secret files of the evil warlock, Epstein. King Donald and Epstein of Pedo-Island had once been best pals who shared a “wonderful secret.”
“He’s a terrific guy!” declared King Donald of the Semi-Hard Penis.
Then the evil warlock Epstein betrayed the King by stealing one of his maidens from the Castle by the Sea and Lake.
“I hardly knew him!” declared King Donald of the Ever-Lengthening Nose.
Kash could not wait to get his hands on the enormous box full of papers that would finally reveal the names of those Dark Lords who preyed upon the young ladies in waiting… for puberty.
The Great Wizard raised his sword and with a single mighty stroke, slashed open the box. A dazzling light burst upon his face, so bright it made his eyes cross and left him with a permanent expression that seemed to say, “Why the fuck did I take this job?”
Kash squinted into the box and muttered, “Uh oh…” (uh oh, means “oh shit”).
Kash quickly slammed the box shut and told Blondi the Just what he found inside. Blondi the Just whispered to King Donald the Shameless, who then declared to all the land that the box of the warlock Epstein was – after all this time – yet another hoax of the cunning Dark Lords. (hoax, is “an embarrassment, a crime, or an impeachable offense one must deny, deny, deny”).
It was clear to all that decades before King Donald even thought about becoming king, the Ds wrote his name all over the papers in the warlock Epstein’s box… that did not yet exist. For everyone knows, the Ds are incredibly bungling yet also deviously clever. The Ds are cursed with knowing the future but are unable to do anything about it when it finally arrives.
The King ordered Kash the Distinguished Discoverer to keep the box sealed forevermore so it may remain an enigma that never ages (enigma that never ages, means… shit, I have no idea what the fuck that means).
Kash knew that many in the WOMB (World of MAGA Boobs) would not be happy. But he had no choice but to follow his king’s orders. That’s what loyal servants do.
Sure enough, MAGA World was quite cross with Kash (quite cross, means “lost their shit”), especially Bongino the MAGAnificent. He had earned many ducats over the years rage-heralding about the papers inside the Enigma Epstein’s box. That’s when Bongino the Incompetent got demoted from deputy of the RCT to co-deputy (demoted, means “shut the fuck up”).
Soon, Kash was called before a tribunal of the Dark and Regal Lords. Kash trudged up the not-so-steep Hill where the Lords meet. He strode into the castle that once had been stormed by the King’s Men (and Women) on that heroic day of January 6th. That devoted chorus of soon-to-be pardoned patriots had been furious that Baron Von Biden and the Dark Lords with their poopy mules had stolen the throne from King Donald the Inciter.
Kash knew that the Dark Lords from the Land of the Feckless and one very lonely Regal Lord from the Land of Fried Chicken would not be nice to him.
They ranted, “Did you lock the box?!”
They harangued, “Did you tell the King?!”
But Kash, armed with rapier wit, fended off these Wild Beasts of Do-Nothing Ds (do-nothing, means “centrist”). He was careful not to fall prey to their sneaky questions by answering “yes” or “no,” He repeated over and over many practiced words so they would be forced to cry “Reclaiming my time!”
For the Klever Kash knew that “time” is the one thing that cannot be reclaimed.
And he also knew that King Donald the Toddler Man– just like in books One, Two and Three – would be enchanted by Kash’s wizardry.
At least for the time being…
I had NO IDEA that Kash the Putrificent had actually written real children’s books. Wow. Great job of mockery, sir.
I was especially impressed with your use of the word "feckless". I, too, didn't know whether to I laugh or cry, so I did both, and took solace in your non-feckless use of the word "feckless". Love this.