Third Wheel

The Diary of J.D. Vance

I thought it would be a good idea to keep this journal of my new adventure. This is going to be a history-making Administration, and I have a front row seat. I can’t guarantee I won’t fall behind every once in a while. I expect to be pretty darn busy, but I’ll do my best.

And yes, I’m well aware of my reputation for being dull and robotic. That doughnut shop debacle during the campaign was not who I really am. In real life, I’m not stiff. I’m funny and charming. And this will be the proof! So I’m gonna just talk into this here phone and let AI write it all down. The unfiltered me!

J.D. out!

That’s gonna be my cool sign-off. “J.D. out.”

January 18^th, 2025

About to hit the sack. Just got back from Peter Thiel’s big pre-inauguration bash. Wow! What a house! Usha couldn’t get over how well-appointed it was. Just the right amount of gay. That’s how I like my gays: Understated. Not too “in your face,” if you know what I mean. Peter’s a good gay. That’s because you can hardly tell he’s gay. He’s doesn’t talk like a gay. He talks like a regular person. So nobody can say I don’t like the gays. This little Ohio hillbilly wouldn’t be where I am today if Peter weren’t my boo.

And it was a star-studded affair! Who cares about Beyoncé? Who gives a shit about Lady Gaga? Or Springsteen? Or Robert DeNiro? We had Speaker of the House Mike Johnson! And Don Jr! Don Jr. in the house, people! A bunch of Big Tech boys, too. Including the Winklevoss Twins! I have a hard time saying that name without giggling. Winklevoss. Sounds like another name for penis. “How’s your Winklevoss hanging?” “I gotta drain the ole Winklevoss.” See, I’m funny.

Anyway, they’re into crypto now. I wanted to see how they reacted when Zuckerberg showed up. Were they still mad at him for stealing Facebook from them at Harvard? But Zuck was surrounded by so much security, they couldn’t get near him. And Zuck’s getting pretty buff. Trained with MMA guys. Might not be so easy to beat up and stuff into a locker anymore.

There was a juggler in one of the rooms but get this – he didn’t juggle anything! He just did a trivia contest about U.S. presidents. I don’t know why you’d hire a juggler to do that, but maybe that’s why The Boss didn’t put ole Peter in charge of government efficiency. By the way, guess who won the contest?! Yep! Yours truly. Winning question? Who was the greatest President of the United States? Winning answer? I’ll give you a clue. Not Washington… Not Lincoln… not FDR…

Ted Cruz was there, too. He’s still kind of a dick.

J.D. out.

January 20^th

Exciting first day. Inauguration Day. So glad they moved it indoors. It was cold as balls out there. It also kept the riffraff out. Mawma had some trouble at the door, but I pulled some strings and got her in. They even put her in front of Musk, Bezos, Zuckerberg, and that guy from Google. I can never remember his name. I’ll ask Usha. She’ll know how to pronounce it.

Met Bezos. He’s muscled up, too, like Zuck. These nerds are cut, man. Like Marvel movie cut. What a grip. I almost let out a little yelp but managed to bite my lip until he released. Definite power move like a “Think twice before you break up my monopoly” grip.

The Boss’s got his own power move. It’s not so much his grip but the way he uses his body weight when he shakes hands. He says he weighs 215, but come on, his ass alone weighs 215. And he uses it for leverage. Like Serena. First time I shook hands with him he about pulled my elbow out of the socket. I made the mistake of extending my arm. That gives him the slack to pull you toward him. Probably something he learned from his dad. Or Roy Cohn. Next time, I was ready. With The Boss, you gotta get in real close, right up to him with your arm crooked and tight against your side. That way, you’re flexed, and he’s got no room to yank you toward him. I think that’s what finally got me the gig. He respects that.

Elon, though. Dead fish. Gotta be on the spectrum that guy. Just the way he moves. Not smooth. It’s like his brain and his body are not in sync. At the arena he got real excited and thrust his arm out during his speech. People thought it was a Nazi salute. Even I thought, WTF? Then he turned around and did it again. Holy shit! Dude, this is a presidential inauguration not a German American Bund meeting! I asked him about it afterwards. He assured me it was involuntary. It had nothing to do with Hitler. It’s just what his arm does when he gets a boner. Although he did admit he gets a boner when he thinks of Hitler. All I know is: he’s gotta tamp that shit down. He can’t go all Dr. Strangelove whenever he sports a chub.

J.D. out.

January 21^st

Attended the prayer service this morning with The Boss and our families. I’m not going to lie; I was a little blurry, if you know what I mean. Let’s just say I’d Kavanaughed a few brewskis over the last few days. Figured I might be able to catch a little shuteye at the service. I’m pretty good at sleeping with my eyes open. I love God and all that, but there’s something about a church that just puts me to sleep. So, I’m trying to catch a few winks when this chick, who calls herself a “Bishop” – yeah, right – I didn’t even know her name until it made all the news – she starts in on some shit about having mercy on immigrants and gays and trans people. Like it’s any of her business.

I leaned over to Usha to kinda say “Get a load of this crap” but I swear to God it looked like she was NODDING! Really tiny, imperceptible nods. I’m thinking, “Does my wife agree with this crazy lesbo?” Actually, I don’t know if this fake bishop is really a lesbo, but she sure could pass for one. Looks like she borrowed Elton John’s hair plugs. I glanced over to see how The Boss was taking it. I could tell he was steamed. He had his head down flipping through the program like it was a menu and he can’t decide between the zucchini sticks and the jalapeno poppers. Later when I asked Usha, she swore all up and down she was not agreeing with that loopy bitch. She said her little nods were just, “Yeah, I heard it, too, honey. Terrible.”

Biggest takeaway: broads should not be priests. It’s in the word, “priest.” That’s a man thing. It’s not “priestess.” They don’t call her “priestess.” They call her “priest!” What is it with these Episcopals? They dress up all Catholic, but then they let dames call themselves “priests.”

This is the type of sexual confusion we were elected to put a stop to.

J.D. out.

January 24

Four days in and I broke my first tie. Went into the Senate, sat all up in that big highchair and delivered for The Boss. I gotta send a thank you note to Murkowski, Collins, and McConnell for voting against Pete Hegseth for Defense. That way, I got to swoop in and save the day. Pretty cool. Kamala has the record. Thirty-three tie breakers. I’m coming for you, Ka-MA-la, you childless cat lady. If there was a Trump Administration fantasy draft, I’d be the first one picked. I’m gonna be putting up some numbers, man. Scoreboard!

J.D. out.

February 6^th

Well, isn’t this a fine kettle of shit. One of Elon’s DOGE bros, some kid named Elez, posted some racist shit on social media. “Normalize Indian hate.” Stupid idiot. Now everybody’s looking at me because my kids are half Indian, and I gotta explain to Usha that I have to defend this dumbshit. She’s not going to be happy, but I got no choice. I’m not worried about her or our kids, though. I’m the goddamn Vice President of the United Freakin’ States. I got them all seats at the cool kids’ table. Nobody will freak with them. That’s what I’m going to tell Usha, but without all the cursing. She hates it when I swear.

J.D. out.

February 10^th

So I heard today on Fox The Boss doesn’t consider me his successor. Hm. I think he’s just being cagey. Of course I’m the guy. I have to be the guy. He just can’t say that because he doesn’t want to upset his kid, since me and Don Jr. are polling neck and neck for 2028. I get that. Look, I love Don Jr. If it wasn’t for him, I probably wouldn’t be VP in the first place. We bonded over our neatly trimmed beards. Shared a lot of manscaping secrets. He turned me on to the best beard balm. He’s got a guy runs it in from Brazil. From a rare aloe plant in the rain forest. It’s not really legal to harvest, but he stocked up when Bolsonaro was making Brazil great again.

So if he does decide to keep MAGA in the family and run in three years, I’m going to have to go after him. I’m not saying I ever saw him do coke, but he does rub his gums a lot. And his eyes are glassier than a ventriloquist’s dummy.

J.D. out.

February 11^th

Why is everybody always talking about Elon? Elon, Elon, Elon. Now, people are calling him “co-president.” What am I, some kind of a third wheel here? Ole Elon was in the oval today with The Boss. And he brought one of his twelve kids. Twelve freaking kids! This is probably the only one he’s met. The kid’s name is, get this: “X”! What the freak is that about? It’s not even short for “Xavier.” In print the name looks like some kinda chemical formula: X Æ A-12. Maybe that’s what happens when you spawn so many kids, you gotta start namin’ ‘em after the periodic table of elements. Guess I shoulda named one of mine “Boron.” But bringing “X” with him was a smart move. Makes Elon seem human. Like he’s just a dad dropping by the White House with his boy after a Little League game. I’ll betcha though, Li’l X wishes he was at Dairy Queen with the rest of the team.

By the way, was I the only one who saw that kid get knuckle deep into his left nostril and wipe a booger on The Boss’s desk? I know the Boss saw it. He didn’t say anything, but if I know him, he was pissed. I guaran-freakin’-tee you that kid earned a permanent ban from the oval. That’s almost as bad as the AP refusing to say Gulf of America.

None of my kids would be wiping boogers on the resolute desk if I was in charge of government efficiency. That shoulda been my job anyway. That’s the job Clinton gave Al Gore. “Reinventing Government” or some shit. Elon’s going all off on “unelected bureaucrats.” Well, what the freak is he? At least I was elected. I was the one who had to kick Tim Walz’s ass all up and down the block in that debate. What did Elon do? Hop around behind The Boss like a three-legged bunny rabbit. I guess that’s what 290 mil buys ya.

I can never say any of this shit out loud, but I hope he finishes gutting the government soon, so I don’t have to keep pretending I like the guy.

J.D. out.

February 12^th

Okay, now the Pope’s on my shit list. A couple weeks back I was on Fox talking about immigration and I said something about a Christian concept called “ordo amoris.” That means love your family first, then your neighbor, then your community, then maybe you can find something in your heart for dirty Mexicans. I mean you don’t need to be a Latin scholar to get the concept. Anyone who’s flown on an airplane knows you put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then your kids. That’s all I’m saying. But the Pope goes and writes a letter to Catholic Bishops saying I’m wrong, that we should extend looooove and compaaaaassion to everyone. Really?! That is so woke. I know Haitians in my home state who will eat your dog just as soon as look at ya. That’s what we get for having a Mexican Pope. I know, I know, he’s from Argentina. Same difference.

J.D. out.

February 14^th

Made a big speech in Germany today at the Munich Security Conference. Talked about how censoring far right groups is not good and how European countries have too many immigrants who are constantly murdering people, and about stupid “buffer zones” outside abortion clinics. “No firewalls!” I said. I think it went over pretty well. I mean, they were quiet. But you know, Usha said that just means they were probably “listening real hard.”

But I’m not going to lie, I was feeling a little flop sweat. I was getting nothing back from this crowd. Nothin’. No laughs. No applause breaks. I started talking real fast just to get to a joke I knew would lay ‘em out. See, Elon had made a virtual appearance at the Alternative for Germany party, the German MAGA party. Although I guess it wouldn’t be MAGA, it would be MGGA - “Muh-ga” or MDGA - “Mud-ga.” I don’t know, they can come up with their own thing. The Germans are pretty good at symbols and shit. Anyway, ole Elon encouraged the Germans to vote for ’em, this AfD party, which got everybody’s panties in a bunch, because Elon’s got investments in Germany blah, blah, blah and to try to do any business in that country, man, so much freakin’ government paperwork. What is it with these freakin’ Germans and their paper? They just looooove bureaucracy.

So I said, “If American democracy can survive ten years of Greta Thunberg’s scolding, you guys can survive a few months of Elon Musk.” I paused for the laugh. Crickets. I don’t get it. That’s freakin’ funny. That should’ve killed. I never believed it when people said Germans have no sense of humor. Now, I do. I even said, “And trust me, I say this with all humor…” I literally told them a joke was coming, and they still didn’t laugh. They can’t see what Greta Thunberg and Elon Musk have in common? I mean, sure, she was a thirteen-year-old girl, and he’s the richest grown-ass man in the world. But come on, they’re both spectrumy, right? That joke should’ve killed. Usha says it was maybe because I stumbled a little pronouncing, “Thunberg.” That threw off the rhythm. I don’t think so. They just dumb.

Also met with the head of AfD. Cool lady named Alice Weidel. Speaks perfect English. I like that. Now, I’ll admit, I once, way back when – and God forgive me – called The Boss “America’s Hitler.” I don’t know what I was thinkin’. I was probably hopped up on a little too much Mountain Dew. Folks know I love me my Diet Mountain Dew. But Alice told me something I never knew. She said Hitler wasn’t a right-winger like us after all. He was actually. Get this. A commie!

That’s what I’m talkin’ about! That’s why you gotta take down the firewalls! If you don’t, this kinda truth never gets out! Now, if anybody tries to tell me The Boss is like Hitler, I can say, “Wrong, Professor Plum! Hitler was a communist!”

Now I’m gettin’ a boner.

J.D. out!

February 20^th

Kash Patel was confirmed by the Senate today as FBI director. Collins and Murkowski voted against him, but Mitch McConnell voted for him, which means I didn’t get to break the tie. So I’m a little upset with Senator McStrokey of the great state of Kenstrokey.

February 28^th

Press conference with Zelenskyy. I’m in the oval with The Boss and a bunch of other people. No Elon, thank God. All very cordial. But I’m sitting there like a potted freakin’ plant trying to think of something to say. I’m looking to make my mark, you know what I mean? Then The Boss says something about how we’re gonna get “raw earth” from Ukraine in the ceasefire deal. And I know he means “rare earth,” and I figure he just swallowed a diphthong or something. But then he says it again, “raw earth.” And now in my head, I can hear all the late-night comics making fun of him, “As opposed to what, cooked earth?” or some shit like that. About a half a dozen times he says, “raw earth,” and I lean back so the cameras can’t see me, and I try to catch his eye. I mouth “rare… rare…” But he’s not looking my way, so I give up.

Now, we’re about forty minutes in, and I haven’t said shit, yet. Rubio got to say something. Then one of the Real America’s Voice News guys asks Zelenskyy why he’s not wearing a suit. I’m laughing but I’m also thinking “Shit, why didn’t I think of that?” I gotta come up of something. I’m drawing a blank. Maybe it was all the cameras froze me up. I’m thinking, “Shit, this is the donut shop all over again” and all I can say is “How long have you been president of Ukraine?” I’m running out of time. Then I notice Zelenskyy shrugging and rolling his eyes anytime The Boss mentions Putin. The Boss tells him ceasefire first, then worry about security guarantees later. The Russians aren’t going to attack while we’re there taking all the raw earth. That’s what I’m calling it now by the way: “Raw Earth.” Zelenskyy takes that as an opportunity to lecture The Boss about how he doesn’t trust Vlad Putin to honor a ceasefire. So I see my chance. I jump in with how all The Boss is trying to do is be diplomatic and how Zelenskyy hasn’t thanked us enough for all we’ve done for him. Not once. I mean he kinda did at the beginning, but that was what forty minutes ago. And then he says something about how we’re going to feel about the decisions we’re making, and nobody talks to The Boss about feelings. That is tab-freakin’-boo. So the two of us, we team up to kick the shit out of this Ukrainian who speaks English as a second language like two jocks on the playground beatin’ up the kid from the AV Club. When the whole thing broke up, I tapped The Boss on the shoulder like, “I’m proud of ya, Boss.” I don’t think he noticed, but I felt good.

By the way, I noticed the Resolute Desk had been sent out to be “lightly refinished.”

In other words, a good booger wipe.

J.D. out!